Ep 80: Power Struggles Pt. II Dissent Builds Discernment

My dear co-conspirator, please give me a nod, a snap, a dab, a shimmy, or an umm hmm if you’d like your tiny change agents to grow up and think for themselves instead of compulsively conforming to oppressive social norms; or to grow up and stand in the light of their own truth instead of being swayed by peer pressure; or to grow up feeling so secure in their worth that they can step in to lead and step back to share space with their chosen families flexibly instead of getting stuck either shrinking all the time or hoarding power all the time. Preparing our tiny change agents to have these skills of discernment starts with how we respond to them when they say “no,” talk back, don’t listen, or do some body noodling on the floor aka when they act out their dissent during power struggles. This episode is part two of the previous episode. If you haven’t listened to it, I highly recommend you first check out Ep 79: Power Struggles? Fight For What’s Right, Not Who’s Right. In this episode, you and I are going to explore one idea from child development science and practice one strategy that you can experiment with to meet your child in power struggles without giving up your power and letting your change agents run the household or powering over them and imposing your will over theirs. Let’s use your child’s dissent as a radical care moment to build your child’s discernment muscles. If that sounds generative to you, let’s get started.

[OPENING]

Sawadee ka, and welcome to the Come Back to Care podcast. A place where we’re re-imagining parenting to be deeply decolonized and intentionally intergenerational. If you’ve been looking for ways to practice social justice in your daily parenting and nurture your child’s development while re-parenting your inner child, I’m so glad you’re here. I am your host, Nat Nadha Vikitsreth, a decolonized and licensed clinical psychotherapist, somatic abolitionist, and founder of Come Back to Care. A dot connector, norm agitator and lover of liberation. In this podcast, we turn down the volume of oppressive social norms and outdated family patterns so that we can hear our inner voice and raise our children by our own values too. We come back home to our body and the goodness within. We come back to our lineages and communities. And we come back to care… together. So come curious and come as you are.

[EPISODE]

Why children say “no” according to child development science? 

One paradox in raising children is we all want our tiny change agents to be leaders who think for themselves and feel their feelings…until it’s inconvenient for our survival under white, colonial, capitalist patriarchy. Yes, you want your child to make choices but can they also hurry up and put those shoes on so you’re not late for work? Yes, you want your child to feel okay not feeling okay, but can they also not scream at their full lung capacity in the grocery store because you know ableism or racism won’t be empathetic to your child’s nervous system. Because of this paradox, at Come Back to Care, we approach the question of how to raise change agents from two contexts: one is oppression and liberation and two is child development science. The previous episode dives deeper into the first context, oppression and liberation, where we explore adult supremacy and power-over policing together. This episode is more focused on the second context, child development science summarized from three sources listed in the episode show notes for you: one The Activity Book for African American Families The Activity Book for African American Families by the National Black Child Development Institute and the Eunice Kennedy Shriver National Institute of Child Health and Human Development, two The Emotional Life of the Toddler The Emotional Life of the Toddler by Alicia Lieberman and lastly, Touchpoints: Birth to Three by T. Berry Brazelton and Joshua Sparrow.

Each of these sources agrees on the heart of the matter. Toddlers need to say “no,” to dissent, to resist, and to protest because it is their developmental mission to become their own unique person, separate from their caregivers. For them to become the change agents we want them to be, they need to rebel against your authority. The first 18 or 24 months of their lives, they’ve been completely reliant on you feeding them with food and love. Now, it’s time for them to come into their own. In the child development world, we call it individuation. In liberation practice, we call it agency or sovereignty. This need to individuate doesn’t stop at toddlerhood. If your change agent is in their adolescence era, you know what I mean. A toddler’s meltdown now becomes an eyeroll. Or a toddler’s body noodling becomes a passive aggressive comment that cuts deep. And it continues into adulthood too. I know I still have to actively practice setting my people pleasing survival strategy aside and standing in the light of my own truth. The effect of our children trusting us enough to resist our demands and rebel against our authority is lifelong. That means how we handle this power struggle- as annoying as it can be- is critical.

Power-With During Power Struggles

Based on this child development science context, let’s break it down to see what quote unquote “meeting your child where they’re at” actually looks like in action during power struggles. 

It means meeting your child where they’re at in their developmental mission to resist your demands and rebel against your authority aka their mission to come into their own or to individuate.What that looks like in practice is validating our children’s feelings and mission by saying things like “I know honey you really want ice-cream right now.” Or, “yeah buddy you’re having so much fun. It’s hard to clean up and go brush your teeth.”

Validating your child’s feelings and mission to rebel is only the beginning. For our tiny change agents to turn resistance into resilience and dissent into discernment, they need another step from us. And this step is often missed when we misunderstand what it means to power-with or share power with our children. Many of us who intend to share power with our children mistake sharing power with our children with giving up our own power. It could be because you’ve witnessed power being misused as domination in the past and you never want to do that with your child. Or, it could feel uncomfortable stepping in and laying down some guardrails, so we step back, stay back, and throw our power out the window to quote unquote empower our children. As you can already imagine, power-with is more balanced than that. You might validate your child’s desire to eat ice-cream but if you don’t step in with your own power they end up eating ice-cream instead of dinner. So, power with might sound like this “I know honey you really want ice-cream right now. But remember our plan to give our bodies energy with vegetables and protein first?” And of course, your young rebel wouldn’t go down without a fight. They stay true to their mission to become their own unique and powerful self.

But when we give in, a) it defeats the purpose of our children’s mission to do this tug-o-war of agency with us and b) our children call all the shots. They might look like they’re having the best time running the house. But it’s a recipe for anxiety because no toddler should call all the shots themselves. It’s more developmentally juicy for them to call the shots with you, hence power-with. Young children still need to know that they can rebel against your authority and you will step in with a guardrail and make decisions on what the next steps are with them. To say it another way, young children need to know that a) we’ll meet them where they are and b) we got their backs.

Invitation: Co-Reg then Correct

Meeting our children where they’re at during power struggles requires a one-two step. First, honor their mission to come into their own and respect the resistance. Then, power-with with them and be a guardrail: a kind and firm presence for them to feel safe in. 

To put this concept of rebellion within guardrails into action, the invitation is first co-reg then correct. First co-reg means we first co-regulate with our children by honoring their dissent and distress: “I know honey you really want ice-cream right now.” Then, correct means we course correct or redirect. This is where we step in and share power with our children (without giving in and giving up our power), saying “…But remember our plan to give our bodies energy with vegetables and protein first?”

Many caregivers who commit to practicing power-with with their children often tell me that they got the first part- co-reg/co-regulation- down. But the second part- correct- can be quite challenging, especially when the dissent escalates into a full meltdown or when they feel the gaze of other people judging how they’re handling the situation. Then, they get reactive and either power-over their children and regain a sense of control over the situation or they give up their power and give in to the rebellion all together because it’s quote unquote easier. Power-with is a tough balancing act. Yes. And. I got you covered. We’re going to use the Social Justice Parenting Playbook question from Raising Change Agents book to help make power-with more manageable so we can practice it with our tiny change agents…most of the time. The Playbook question is “what do I want my child to know right now: how to be survival smart or liberation smart?”

What “correct” looks like for you and your child in that moment depends on whether you want your child to know how to be survival smart or liberation smart. Let’s look at this with two examples of power struggles: one is a constant negotiation at bedtime and the other is hitting at the park.

Example #1: Negotiation at bedtime

At bedtime, your tiny change agent turns into an expert negotiator. One more story, one more cuddle, one more trip to the bathroom, anything to avoid going to sleep…anything to carry out their developmental mission of individuation. 

So you first co-regulate and honor your child’s mission and feeling, saying “It’s hard to wrap up all the fun things we could be doing together. You don’t wanna miss the party.”

Then, you step in to course correct instead of giving up your power and letting your child call all the shots. You ask “what do want my child to know right now: how to be survival smart or liberation smart?” You decide tonight is going to be a survival smart moment because you both haven’t been sleeping well for the past three days. Rest is important for survival at this point. So, standing firm in your choice, you say to your expert negotiator “sleep is how we take care of our bodies. No more Bluey tonight. It’s time to go night night.” Your child whines and cries but you know that you just met both of their developmental needs: the need to say no and come into their own and the need to know that you’ve got their back and set up some guardrails for them. Does it make the crying and whining go away? Nope. But you discerned and decided how to power-with with your child. Instead of winging it, you got it.

In this same scenario but on a different night, perhaps it’s a Saturday night. Your in-law is visiting from out of town. Your child can sleep in the next morning. You might decide to practice being liberation smart by holding space for your child to exercise their agency and make choices with you. Say that every night your child does three activities with you then they go to sleep. That’s the bedtime routine. So, maybe right before dinner, you and your child participate in decision making together.  You choose two bedtime routine activities and your child chooses the third one. You decide together before dinner so that when bedtime routine comes, you both just stick to the plan. No negotiations, right? 

Okay, so bedtime comes around. You know your child’s going to negotiate. As one does. You start with the same first step, co-reg or co-regulation: “It’s hard to wrap up all the fun things we could be doing together. You don’t wanna miss the party.” Then, you move to the second step together: correct by saying “we made our night-night plan together before dinner. We just did all three activities. Now it’s time to go to bed.” Your little negotiator might not like the plan all of the sudden and they might try harder to persuade you. But you stand in the light of your own truth even though you might have to walk away to re-center or lock yourself in the bathroom to catch a breath. You know that you practiced first co-reg then correct. You honor your child’s mission to rebel and you step in to power-with with them by being the liberation smart guardrail. Even though your child is upset, their tears don’t sting as much when you have been intentional about the whole process. Guilt might still bubble up but it doesn’t turn into shame or people pleasing. Still with me?

If you’re curious about how other families are putting this invitation into action, in chapter 9 of Raising Change Agents one family did so during screentime and in chapter 10 another family did so during bedtime. And you can support my work by grabbing your copies of Raising Change Agents: Practicing Social Justice in Everyday Parenting everywhere you buy books. Thank you. 

Shall we look at one more example?

Example #2: Hitting

In this example, your child uses their hands to hit you instead of using sign language to communicate that they’re upset. We’re going to use the same strategy: first co-reg then correct. And by correct, you discern what you want your child to know in that moment- how to be survival or liberation smart. 

Co-reg might sound like, “I get it. Big feelings. I’m here with you.” Then, course correct. You might decide you want your child to be a combo of survival and liberation smart by practicing how to move through their feelings without hurting others. It’s survival smart for you because you want your child to be able to make friends in the classroom and thrive. It’s also liberation smart for you because you want your tiny change agent to have the skills to be accountable to their own feelings when they’re with their chosen families. So after you co-regulate with them saying, “I get it. Big feelings. I’m here with you,” you step in and power-with with them saying, “my body doesn’t need to be hurt to understand you. Show me the other way.” Then you take it from there. Notice that you’re not punishing, humiliating, or shaming your child for being humans and having feelings. You’re not powering over them either. They feel their feelings- good, bad, and otherwise- and they’re not alone in those feelings. You’re right there with them. This is the foundation of emotional resilience. With first co-reg then correct, you first meet your child where they’re at in their mission to rebel. Then, you show them that you got their back. You give them guardrails that they can push against and still be safe.

Dissent- met with care- becomes discernment

We often talk about repair being the most important thing for your child’s development. So is resistance. When your child’s dissent is met with care, it grows into discernment. The discernment your child needs down the line to figure out what to do to be survival and liberation smart. The discernment your child needs to know what feels right in their gut despite peer pressure or the group norm and they use this discernment to decide what to do next for their highest good and collective liberation. 

Too often when we’re tired and triggered, we meet our children’s dissent with either carceral reactions (which is policing and punishing it away) or coddling (which is giving up our power to people please our children). We control, coerce, and censor any dissent just like fascism does on a larger scale. And yet, with every “no” and every act of dissent from our tiny change agents, they present us with a powerful opportunity to practice abolition. Wouldn’t we want to answer their call and rehearse a liberatory future free from cops, corps, and cages with them right here, right now?

[CLOSING]

And that, my dear co-conspirator, is a wrap. Thank you so much for being in practice together. With the book tour, I get to meet so many of our listeners in-person and I cannot begin to describe how much my soul lights up. I’m deeply grateful for you being you and being here. 

Please consider supporting my work by joining our Come Back to Care Patreon or buying copies of Raising Change Agents everywhere you buy books…if you have the financial resources. Or, share this episode with someone you love, leave a rating and review on Apple Podcast if you have the time and energy to help me keep this political and parenting education going. 

As always, in solidarity and sass. Until next time, please take care.